Dear NBC,
Why you gotta do me like this? You know Penn and Teller are my jam. You know I love them. You know I’d tune in for Penn Jillette reading his grocery list. Shit, you know I’d tune in to watch Teller LOOK at his grocery list. So why you gotta go and put Penn on that Identity bullshit? DAMN. You better not make me end up hating him like what happened with Howie Mandel. Hells yes, I was down with Little Monsters, better believe that. Now he’s just…smarmy. You better leave Mr. Penn the hell alone.
Oh lord. “Marion Jones”? Is she fucking kidding me?
Oh shit! It’s sucking me in!
What is this bullshit with “sealing it in”? Damn. That’s lame. I love me some Penn Jillette and his gravelly voice or I would not be watching this tripe.
Also, while I’m writing hateful letters, let me get this one out:
Dear grrl in my class that I will call Typhoid Mary,
You came in the last damn day of class talking about how you had just been to the doctor’s, and had bronchitis, a sinus infection, and fluid in your ears, and how you had given up on cough drops and were just drinking straight out of the cough syrup bottle. Then your nasty ass COUGHED ON ME!!! Without covering your damn mouth! But you said it was okay, because you’d been to the doctor that morning, and weren’t contagious.
WRONG!
So very, very wrong. You coughed your sputum on my fucking arm, and since you coughed while you were talking and I was sitting right next to you and had turned my head to look at you while you were talking (I was trying to be nice), you also got your shit right in my damn face. And a week and a half later, I’m MISERABLY sick. If it’d come a day earlier, my birthday would’ve been hell. So thanks. I went to the doctor Saturday, and guess what I have? Why, bronchitis, a sinus infection, and fluid in my ears. I had to go BACK to the doctor on Tuesday and get some new damn antibiotics, it was that bad. And these new antibiotics aren’t fucking around either – they are fucking my shit up, and in a bad, bad way. It’s a good thing I’m taking them in the evening, so I can just give up and go to bed after they kick in and take miserable to a whole new level. I had a fever pretty much all fucking weekend. I got upset when it hit 100, because I usually surf around 97.6. You have no idea how much I lost my shit when it got to 102.5, but there were delusions of melting braincells and crying hysterics. I have been so miserable, there were times when I would have traded this bullshit for a gallstone, because at least that crap ends at some point.
Obviously I’m feeling better, since I’m feeling good enough to blog now, but you are on my shitlist. I hope we never run into to each other, because there are going to be words. Especially about how contagion works, and why you better cover your damn mouth when you cough, fool! And god help you if you run into me while I’m still on these gnarly antibiotics and not feeling well, because I’ll probably cough on your ass to illustrate my point. It’s the season for sharing, right, and this bitch holds grudges.