fucking with hornets
So, imagine my anxiety is a hornets’ nest.
Today, I basically set about getting ready to kick the everloving shit out it.
I had my first session with an EMDR therapist. We just talked about my background today, and a little about EMDR. Turns out, I have so fucking much trauma in my background that it took longer to get through than she expected. And I left out what I could and tried to stick to the “highlights.” How fucked up is that.
Anyway. The impression I got (based on our short discussion of EMDR in the last ten minutes) is that I am in for a real hell ride for a while. We’re planning on sessions every other week, although when we get to a crucial point more frequent sessions might be needed. It sounds like it’s going to be pretty damn intense. And I mean, you know, once we make a breakthrough, that’s cool and I’ll probably get some relief, or get past my blood/vein phobia (which is what we’re focusing on, since I’ve got so many issues, but that’s the most pressing in my opinion right now).
I’m honestly pretty terrified, and we didn’t even do shit today other than talk about my health and my family. Also, apparently the fact that I’m on medication isn’t preferable for EMDR – it might hinder my response, although it seemed like that was more of a risk with the short-term, mid-crisis meds (like clonazepam), which I wouldn’t take before a session anyway. And then it might be necessary to re-do the EMDR if/when I’m off the meds.
Not altogether on-topic: I’m watching Sanctuary right now, and Magnus just had a line about abusive parents using “discipline” as a cover for cruelty. Damn does that hit a nerve.
My head is killing me – just a headache from stirring up all this shit. And it’s only going to get worse from here, at least for the immediate future. I really hope it’s only bad during the EMDR sessions, or like the evening after a session I’m shaken up. I hope this doesn’t fuck me up more or less 24/7 until we get “far enough” in the process – my really bad spells of anxiety or panic or PMDD have been really stressful, and not just on me but on Greg, too. I’m dedicated to doing whatever it takes to heal myself and be as well as I can, but I’m a little concerned that if EMDR is super rough and upsetting, and ratchets up my issues for a while, that it might stress our relationship. I think that’s probably what’s scaring me the most right now. Yeah.
Anyway, my head is killing me, so I need a break. And some tea.
FOTD: Penelope’s Orchid, LOTS of blathering « spinster-in-training said,
March 5, 2010 at 12:00 am
[...] tomorrow, because I’ve got my first “real” EMDR session. (EMDR first discussed here, which you probably haven’t seen since I just now moved it over from the private blog I kept [...]